The Taste Of Madness
by Celestiella
Summary: It's hard to struggle with insanity. Especially when part of you wants to surrender. Celes-times oneshot. Scene from Fai's childhood, Ashura's POV.


**_Disclaimer:_** I don't own anything, hearts and souls, and characters belong to CLAMP.

* * *

**__****__****__****The Taste Of Madness**

* * *

My eyes were filled with horror as I was watching my hand. Where has the blood come from? What have I been doing? It can't be _that_… again? I closed my eyes and bit my lip so I don't scream.

Once you bathed in blood, it's hard to forget its taste, bitterness and desire. When I surrendered for the first time, allowing magic to take over my mind and body, I understood that was only the beginning. But I couldn't resist to it any longer.

Any talent, if it's there, is yelling to be used. Magic is a talent of its own. All my life I've been trying to figure out whether magic is curse or bless? Is it better when you can use it, or when you're just a regular man? Once man gains the power, along with it he must accept thousands of rules, limitations and problems, in spite of many advantages of wielding that power. Force always comes along with responsibility, whatever it may be.

In my case, I believe it would be much better if I couldn't do any magic. Because it's growing stronger when I use it to kill. And not to use it – that sort of thing is impossible for me. It _wants _to be used. It _wants _blood. My opinion for that matter obviously bears no interest to anyone anymore.

When did I realize it for the first time? When did I kill for the first time? If honest, I no longer remember. Crimson haze keeps covering my mind and memory more and more often. It won't be long before I break completely and kill not only innocent people… but also betray that boy I found in that valley.

Fai... no, his real name is Yuui. Will Yuui forgive me? Will he hate me for treason? Although, knowing his life so far, he'll probably be convinced this is his fault. And I won't have any strength left to tell him the truth. My own consciousness is fading, being replaced with the other "me" – the one that is born from the magic of killing.

Cursed be, this crimson haze… this haze that I hate… this haze that I desire… how… beautiful… it is – to watch shine disappear from their eyes, as they grow empty… No! I forcefully stop my thoughts and flee, almost running, to the pool, where I know, I'll find Yuui. I have to distract myself somehow, otherwise…

He's there. Sitting by the pool, looking in depths of water with those ever-sad eyes of his, and talking to Chii.

"So it was here, huh?"

"Ashura-ou," – he turns around.

"The people from the castle area sent a rare wine, as a token of gratitude for you melting the frozen lake."

Yuui's face brightens up in a smile.

"Alcohoool!" – he exclaims happily.

I smile too, seeing his joy. At the same time, my heart sinks.

"_Why can't I protect him from this? Why does it have to be this way? Why am I becoming a monster? Why?"_ – the chill creeps into my bones, despite the fact it's warm inside the castle.

On the outside I remain calm, keeping expressionless face.

"It's good that you've come to be able to smile like that," – I tell him honestly. – "But I wonder, how is that you say you prefer liquor to food?"

Yuui laughs.

"It's because Celes' alcohol is delicious…"

Suddenly his eyes are widening, and I'm cursing myself for stupidity – I forgot to wash the blood off my hand.

"Blood!" – Yuui jumps to his feet with clear intention to protect me.

"_Whom are you about to protect me from, Yuui?"_ – I think with bitterness. – _"It's too late already."_

"Your Majesty, did you get hurt?" – Chii asks with worry, following her master.

I raise my hand and they stop.

"It's not that…" - I'm looking at the blood, resisting the urge to lick it.

"_How… beautiful… give… more…"_ – whispers the magic inside me, once again pushing my normal self aside.

I'm trying my best to ignore that voice.

"I'm alright, Fai. Do not worry."

I turn around and walk away, trying not to run. He remains standing beside the pool, looking as I go. I know what kind of expression is now on his face. It makes me feel even worse. I do not want to use him; I do not want to wound him more than he already is. But…

_"Kill… tear apart… give me new strength…"_

_Shut up!_

"_More… more… I want to see their agony… I want __**more**__!"_

_**Enough!**_

I fall onto the bed in my chambers, dirtying blanket with blood. Its smell, bittersweet, with slight odor of iron, fills the whole area. I'm twisting on the bed, feeling how magic entwines me from all sides, cutting all ways to salvation of my mind. I know that I'm losing again, this time not only battle, but the war.

_Don't… please, __**don't**__!_

"_KILL!"_

_No… nononoNO!_

"_KILL!"_

_Yuui… Forgive me… I didn't want to…_

The mental barrier snaps. The last thing I see before magic takes over my whole being – is the blood on my hands.

Once you bathed in blood, it's impossible to forget its taste. Especially if you like it.


End file.
